Okay, ladies, I know you have these conversations, because I have them all the time with my girlfriends: how do you know a man is ready to commit to you?
We’ve all heard the conventional wisdom that a man should pursue you, should show an interest in being with you, should take you out and wine and dine you. And, for those of us that are Godly women, we have to add the provisions that he must attend church, be filled with the Holy Spirit, and a whole lot of other conditions that go along with it (be kind to his mother, respectful of His pastor, somewhat familiar with the Bible, etc., etc.).
But, once you get past all these ‘qualifications’, how do you know when a man is really ready to commit – to you? I am going to look at that question today in the reverse, and give you the 10 signs that say the man with whom you are involved is definitely not ready to commit. They are as follows:
1. He is Noncommittal and Vague About His Feelings
You can never quite get him to admit to the depth (or shallowness) of his feelings for you. You are ‘okay’ or ‘alright’.. He hasn’t made any proclamations about what you mean to him, how important you are to him or what he thinks about you. In the best-case scenario (if your man is not particularly talkative), he shows his feelings, even if he doesn’t tell you about them. He is polite, courteous and responsive to your needs. He cooks for you. He mows the lawn (unasked). Or something along those lines. The worst-case scenario? He doesn’t share any of his feelings with you because he doesn’t have any. The deepest feeling he has for you is the aforementioned ‘alright’. And nobody wants to be just ‘alright’.
2. He Doesn’t Share His Plans With You
You don’t know how he spends his free time. You don’t know who his friends are. You don’t know what his goals are. Yet he seems to have a whole, entire and active life completely apart from you. This is definitely a bad sign. If you are not a significant part of his current life, you are probably not a significant part of his future plans either. If you are in a new relationship, give it some time. But if you still know very little about him after dating him for several months (or several years), this man is quite happy to keep you right where he has you – on the outside looking in.
3. He Doesn’t Answer the Phone When You Call
Yes, I know we all get busy sometimes. I don’t answer my phone at least 30% of the time (I have to work and sleep, you know). But what if he rarely or never picks up? Or he only calls you in response to a message (or several) you’ve left on his phone or because he sees your number on his caller ID? Bad, bad, bad signs. A man who is interested in you wants to talk to you. No matter what else he has going on – work, family, children or whatever. You should be a priority to him (or at least your phone calls should be). If you are not, you need to re-consider him being a priority in your life.
4. He Hasn’t Introduced You to Anyone (or Introduces You as ‘My Friend’)
Okay – this is simple. If a man has not introduced you to anybody he knows (and he at least has a mama, a couple of friends, co-workers, or somebody), you are probably not very important to him in his life. Why do I say that? What’s one of the first things you do when you meet someone (that you really like)? Introduce him to your friends or invite him to go with you to different functions. Men are not so very different from us – if they love having you around, they will invite you to be where they are. And, in the normal course of those invitations, you will meet people who are in his life. If you haven’t, then beware. And, closely related to this sign is this one:
5. He Doesn’t Tell Anyone About You
When you talk to him, he may mention conversations he’s had with his family or friends. He tells you all about these conversations where he discusses baseball games or the basketball finals he watched on tv, the repair he’s having done to his car or how his boss is getting on his nerves. He may even mention to these aforesaid friends and family his weekend plans. But, then you catch on to something – he told them what he was going to do, but not with whom he would be doing those things (namely, you). A simple oversight? An overriding need for privacy? Possibly. But, more than likely, he is not ready for anyone to know of your existence in his life. This could be for a number of reasons, but none of them are good. So, keep up with his mentions of you in his life – it is an important indicator of intent and the seriousness with which he takes your relationship.
6. He Talks About His Future in Terms of ‘I’
When he talks about where he’s going to live, what job he plans on getting or what school he plans to attend, it’s all about him. “I’m” going to move to Florida or “I’m” going to go to the University of Nevada. Or, even when he talks about things that could conceivably involve you, like a future trip, moving from his apartment to his house or even a movie he plans to see, for heaven’s sake, still no mention of you. What should this say to you? That he’s still thinking of himself in terms of being single. It has not yet occurred to him that the relationship he has with you could become more serious. All those “I’s” and lacks of “we’s” is his subconscious way of telling you that he does not consider you to be his serious partner.
7. He Doesn’t Take You Out
Sure, he likes spending time with you – but only in the privacy of his home. Or you have limited outings like to the movies (where nobody can see you) or to the deli to pick up a sandwich at the place around the corner from his house. You don’t do the ‘big’ dates like charity functions, birthday parties, family events or the like. This should tell you something: This man is not ready to be serious with you. A man who wants to be with you will spend time with you in a variety of places – both publicly and privately. And even if he’s not personally very interested in going to the museum, eating out or seeing a movie, he should at least be willing to give it a shot if it means pleasing you. Beware of a man who limits your activity to one specific type of place.
8. He Only Calls Late (aka Treats You Like a Booty Call)
Right. I know that we are all Christians and we are not engaging in late-night conversations with inappropriate men. But, just in case this applies to you (and you are accepting those late-night calls), just understand that he is not serious about you. If he only calls late, you have to ask yourself: what is he doing between the hours of 8am and 9pm? Why can’t he call then? Is he involved with someone else? Is he married or recently separated? Or does he simply see you as a way to get his needs met (whatever they are)? Unless he works a really odd shift, there is no reason that your guy cannot call you at a reasonable hour. Do what seems right to you, but know that late night calls do not equal serious intentions.
9. He Doesn’t Share Personal Information
Have you ever asked yourself why you don’t know where your guy lives? Or where he works? Or you’re not even 100% sure of his last name? Unless you are truly just disinterested (or aren’t inquisitive enough to ask him), it’s probably because he doesn’t want you to know. And why doesn’t he want you to know? He could be hiding something. Or, most likely he doesn’t consider your relationship to be serious enough to share the serious information about his life with you. Don’t think so? Try asking him those questions the next time you see him. His answers (or lack thereof) will speak for themselves.
10. He Doesn’t Take an Interest in Your Activities or Your Future Plans
We’ve already been over the fact that he doesn’t tell you his future plans. But now, to add insult to injury, he doesn’t ask about your plans either. Why is this such a bad thing? Let me ask you something – to what kind of people do you fail to ask questions like these? That’s right – acquaintances or people you barely know. You even talk to your boss (who you can’t stand) about what you plan to do for the weekend. Yet your guy doesn’t ask? Very suspicious. Suspicious enough for you to rightly think that he simply isn’t interested in knowing. Or else – he’d ask. And, believe me, no matter what else you think about him, he is perfectly capable of asking something he wants to know. He’d ‘ask’ about his paycheck if his job stopped paying him. He’d ‘ask’ about his monthly payments if he got a new car. He can ‘ask’ you what your future plans are – if he wants to.
So those are 10 good signs that the man with whom you are involved has no intentions of being serious with you. He may be a good guy – fun to hang out with, good to his dog, kind to his mama – but he has not reached the level of being ready to be committed (at least not to you). If it is a new relationship (a year or less), wait a while and see. But if it has been over a year, your best bet is to keep your options open. Don’t let the opportunity to be involved with someone who is commitment-minded pass you by while you wait on your guy to get a clue. Again, do what you feel is right for you, but put yourself first. Honor your own needs. And try to be with someone who gives you that same respect. And, as always, pray, pray, pray! God will save you even when you don’t want to save yourself! Trust in His guidance and He will always see you through.
And, if you’re curious, the next chapter tells you five steps to discovering if your guy is ‘the one’.
Excerpted from The Single Black Woman’s Guide to Christian Dating. For more, visit [http://www.christiansinglewoman.com/] to read excerpts and buy your copy today!
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